Since all relationships involve some degree of frustration and disappointment, it is essential to learn how to cope with the resulting pain. When we feel hurt by someone’s words or actions, it is helpful to rate the pain like we rate a burn. First-degree emotional burns occur with basically safe and nurturing people who have no intent to harm but are simply unaware or preoccupied at times. In this case, we can either overlook the incident or share our feelings and process the event in order to reach helpful solutions.
Second-degree burns result from people who suffer from cognitive distortions or emotional wounds that make it difficult for them to nurture others or be trusting and trustworthy. Some of these wounds can be healed. Others can’t.
Third-degree burns result from contact with toxic people. These highly manipulative types use numerous tactics to gain control of others – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. Among their sadistic tactics is gaslighting, which is the deliberate attempt to gain control over others by making them doubt their very identity, feelings, and perceptions. Most of these types belong to the Dark Triad: narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. In 2021, a Mayo Clinic research study concluded that such people are incapable of real love, as they seek control, not connection. To date, there is no cure for them; we must learn to avoid them or live with the torment they enjoy creating.
Third-degree types don’t go to see mental health professionals (MHPs) unless it is court-mandated or they want to convince the MHP that they are the victims of those they abuse. Since they lack emotional depth and have no interest in or capacity for self-reflection, they don’t think anything is wrong with them. Instead of taking responsibility for the harm they do, they blame their victims. In the presence of MHPs or anyone they want to impress or seduce, they can act sane and caring. Their lies and hypocrisy infuriate their victims, who look terribly distressed, distraught, and disregulated – i.e., “crazy.” Making their victims look and act crazy is a win-win game for the abuser.
Category #3 cruelty can be physical but is more often emotional. It can manifest as scorn, neglect, and relentless criticism. When victims go to MHPs and say that they feel emotionally starved, lonely, unloved, and unsafe, they are often shocked to discover that the MHP insists that a #3 is actually a #2, if not a #1. MHPs may deny their reality, trivialize their pain, question their “stories,” and blame them for not being more tolerant, affectionate, and forgiving. MHPs may use common gaslighting phrases, which are mainly of two types.
Spiritual gaslighting
It is a sign of maturity to avoid making a big deal out of unintentional slights and snubs and to be forgiving and tolerant of normal human faults and foibles. The following statements may apply to #1 and #2. But using them with #3 types will cause victims to feel silenced, shamed, stupid, and isolated:
“If you treat people with respect, they will respect you in return.” [With normal people, it is true that “As in water, face answers to face, so the heart of a man is to a man.” (Mishlei, 27:19). This does not apply to terrorists, including emotional terrorists, who view kindness as weakness and forgiveness as a free pass to keep attacking.]
“I don’t believe that happened. If it did, it wasn’t so bad. You’re exaggerating. I’m sure you’re not remembering things correctly. If it happened, you must have provoked it.” [There is never an excuse for abuse! Bullies attack just because it is pleasurable to hurt others, and doing so feeds their delusions of superiority and omnipotence.]
“You deserve it! Suffering is always the result of sins. If you’re not being punished for something you know about, then it’s from a previous lifetime. So accept the punishment. The biggest sin is lashon hara, which is worse than anything they did. It’s a sin to speak about other people’s crimes or cruelty.” [Actually, ignoring evil is evil!]
“You’re just being overly sensitive and over-reactive.” [These are euphemisms that imply that the speaker thinks the victim is crazy for feeling so scared, lonely, and unloved.]
“If you try harder to please and appease, you’ll win their love. If not, it means you didn’t try hard enough.” [Actually, Category #3 is unpleasable. Love is not something that needs to be “won,” proven, or chased after.]
“Since God put these people in your life, you’re obligated to love them. You can learn to love anyone! You don’t really dislike your spouse/parent/child/sibling. If you focus on the good in them, you’ll learn to love them.” [The “good” that evil people do is carefully crafted to impress and manipulate others. It does not erase the harm they do.]
“No Jew has an intent to harm. There are no bad people, only bad behavior. Stop being so negative. Don’t judge anyone. Even if they sinned, they had no intention to harm. If you can’t calm down around them, take psych meds.”
“Shame on you! Having bad feelings means you’re bad. If you see a bad trait in someone, it means you have that same trait in yourself! So, you’re the bad one! Fix yourself.”
“It’s not really so bad. The more they hate you, the more you need to love them. Even Yishmael and Esav repented eventually. You’re exaggerating. God only loves those who love everyone and are loved by everyone. You can get along with anyone if you really want to.”
“Since your parents gave you life, you’re obligated to love them, even if you feel suicidal around them. It’s a sin to see anything wrong with them. You’re selfish for wanting to be distant. It’s easy to make peace; just overlook, forgive and forget, no matter how badly they act. Protect yourself and them by smiling and making them look good.”
“Bad feelings indicate lack of faith. Even if you feel scared, be happy and grateful. Gratitude erases all pain. If you’re in pain, it means you’re not grateful enough and don’t appreciate all the blessings God gave you. Focus on the good times. There are always good times in all relationships.”
“Saintly people welcome criticism as a humbling experience. Insults crush the ego, which needs to be crushed. Their scorn can’t hurt you unless you let it hurt you. Learn to tolerate abuse and make peace by being the first to give in, submit, compromise, and forgive. Just be happy. It’s really not as bad as you think it is.”
“Have hope! Even Ishmael and Esau repented eventually.”
Therapeutic gaslighting
“They aren’t bad. Evil doesn’t exist. If they beat, curse, cheat on you, get drunk, have ballistic rages, or a porn or drug addiction, it means they have an illness, so they’re not responsible. Their behavior is the result of their trauma. Forgive because ‘Hurt people hurt people.’ Their cruelty hurts them far more than you. Even if you feel endangered, they have no intention to hurt. Just show them more affection to keep them calm.”
“Learn to communicate better. Be totally honest. Convince them that it’s wrong to lie, molest, beat, criticize, and rage at people. If they don’t change, take psych meds to dull your mind so you won’t feel upset by their cruelty.”
“I don’t think they don’t love you. They do love you, even if they are cruel. If you don’t feel loved, then you have a mental disorder. Learn to love them.” [This creates agonizing cognitive dissonance, as victims learn to normalize and tolerate abuse and to think that love involves cruelty. Children can be told, ‘Some people have no ability to love.’ You may always feel connected to them, but learn to spot their manipulative tactics, especially attempts to buy your love or alienate you from yourself or those who really love you. Real love makes you feel calm, valued, and safe. Listen to your intuition.]
“You must be at least partly to blame. People are never cruel for no reason. Maybe the food wasn’t tasty. Maybe you irritated them. Maybe you’re too aggressive or messy. Be more submissive, successful, compliant, attractive, affectionate, and obedient. If you live up to their expectations and never annoy them, they will love you.”
“Grow up! Take the high road. Give the benefit of the doubt. Learn to tolerate, ignore, forgive, and excuse them. Everyone is doing their best. Anyway, most of the abuse is verbal, and that doesn’t count as harmful.”
“Be an enthusiastic cheerleader to build up their sense of self-worth. If you focus on the times when they are good, they’ll do better.”
“Never label people. Only professionals with advanced degrees can assess if someone has a disorder. Labels mean nothing.” [In truth, a person’s mind can be taken over by a disorder to the point where the label becomes their identity.]
“The concept of bad vibes is ridiculous! Vibes don’t exist. No one can hurt you just by looking at you. Eyes can’t convey hatred. You’re crazy for thinking you feel their contempt. No one has any intention to harm you, certainly not family members, teachers, a spouse, child, or sibling. If you think you’re getting ‘Die!’ messages, you’re paranoid and must take psych meds.”
Why the confusion?
Steve Witkoff recently said, “These Hamas guys aren’t too bad.” Why do people deny the existence of Type #3? History shows that the masses laud and applaud those who “make peace at all costs” and admire #3 tyrants. Judges often prioritize the rights of criminals, while ignoring the pain of their victims. During the 1930s, those who screamed out about the Nazi threat were called “hysterical” or “negative.” Prior to the October 7 massacre, when people warned of the dangers of the vast Gazan tunnel system, the anti-Israeli incitement in Arab textbooks, the massive flow of arms and money to Hamas, and over 200,000 missile attacks, the elite echelons in the Israeli military and government mocked them as wimps, traitors, and “enemies of peace.” This same attitude is often seen by MHPs, who tell victims of domestic violence, “Make concessions for peace. All personality disorders can be fixed. Third-degree people don’t exist.”
There are four main reasons for this phenomenon. First, Pollyannish MHPs are easily seduced and enthralled by the “mask of innocence” that abusers wear. Type #3 types are pathological liars and great actors. They excel at mental manipulation, making others see them in a positive light by displaying “performative piety” in shul and acting like devoted spouses, parents, and teachers. If a victim complains, they counterattack and cry, “My child cut contact,” “My wife is frigid,” or “My husband is withdrawn.” MHPs have no idea that these family members have endured years of violent outbursts, molestation, relentless criticism, or punitive silence. MHPs don’t realize they are watching a skilled performance designed to turn them into apologists who will justify, excuse, and defend the abuser. They only know what they’re told.
Second, some MHPs are naïve types with little psychological depth. Like protons, they are always positive! They are proud of their optimism and ability to provide “hope dope” – i.e., “Everything can be fixed. Everyone can change. If you just love them, they will love you back. Hurt people hurt people, so pity them. All conflicts can be resolved. Passion and trust can always be restored.” Most people will waste years and tears, as well as huge amounts of money, on these happily-ever-after fantasies of reconciliation and healing. Just as doctors may avoid giving patients a cancer diagnosis for fear of plunging them into despair, MHPs also fear mentioning “cancer of the spirit,” since desperate people believe “If I can’t get X to become loving and sane, I won’t survive!”
Third, unethical MHPs see the truth but make money by stringing patients along, promising to “heal” people, even if they show no interest to put effort into this process. People crave “hope dope,” even as they deteriorate physically and mentally, blaming themselves for not doing enough to get others to provide the love they crave.
The fourth reason is protective. Our brains are wired to seek the approval and protection of a “tribal chief.” In their presence, survival means learning to please, pamper, protect, placate, and even praise them. MHPs fear being fired if they expose molestation, violence, or dysfunction. By nature, bullies seek control and hold top positions in religious, educational, and community institutions. Those who threaten to expose them are swiftly silenced, shunned, and shamed. In repressive regimes, dissenters may be imprisoned or murdered. Thus MHPs warn victims, “Be silent! No one will believe you, especially if the abuser is wealthy. In that case, you might lose custody of your children, be impoverished, or subjected to endless lawfare. Siblings often rally around the abuser, accusing you of ruining the family name and preventing them from getting good shidduchim. They’ll incite a smear campaign to prove that you’re cruel, sexually deviant, or crazy. You’ll be shunned by your community; they’ll be forbidden to talk to you.” Silence ensures survival.
What victims learn
Over time, victims learn, “If I tell the truth, I’ll be invalidated and shunned and made to feel crazy for making a ruckus out of nothing or betraying my family. Any expression of pain about the abuse I suffer is like a fireworks display to abusers, a source of entertainment to them, and a source of gossip to the community. People will insist that I take psych medications to calm my nerves, as if I’m crazy for being so agitated. I’ll be told to ignore abuse and to be more affectionate and submissive! Self-suppression is protection.”
What victims need
Abuse victims need hope, not hope that the abuser will change but hope that this situation can be a catalyst for spiritual growth. They must stop trying to please unpleasable people. It is a form of self-torture to seek love and understanding from people who have no love to give. Practicing stoic self-composure builds a sense of self-worth and inner strength. We heal as we become self-loving, self-empowered, and independent. We learn to identify the abusive tactics that keep us trapped, especially F.O.G.S. – fear, obligation, guilt, and shame. Breaking out of the “not good enough” lie shatters the shackles that keep us bonded to bullies. To love ourselves is the ultimate act of defiance and is the source of healing. Faith in God’s love is how we maintain our sanity around those who seek to dominate and destroy us.■
Miriam Adahan specializes in helping S.O.D.A.s – survivors of domestic abuse. She can be reached at miriamadahan13@gmail.com.