Since the beginning of the war with Iran, it’s not just residents of the southern or northern regions who feel threatened—every household in Israel feels the tremor. It’s not just about missiles or sirens, but a daily blow to our sense of existential and emotional security. Couples find themselves drifting apart, arguing, reaching breaking points. Children shut down or explode, and above all hovers a sense of overload—persistent, draining, sometimes unbearable.
Our psychological mechanisms respond appropriately to emergency situations: Contraction, withdrawal, reactivity. One goes silent, the other gets angry. One takes on all responsibilities, the other disconnects. These are not “system failures”—they are survival responses. The problem begins when we misinterpret them: Thinking that someone who’s quiet doesn’t care, that someone who lashes out is no longer a loving partner, that someone who withdraws no longer wants closeness. But in most cases—the opposite is true. Precisely because it hurts, precisely because it’s hard—the psyche recruits ways to absorb the waves.
And this is exactly where helpful tools come in. Not magic solutions, but small steps that remind us: Even in the stormiest times—we still have a choice. Within our home, within our relationships. And we can get through this together, truly:
1. Name What You’re Feeling
Instead of “holding ourselves together” to avoid burdening others—simply say: “I’m exhausted,” “I’m worried,” “I can’t fall asleep.” This is not weakness—it’s intimacy. Even with children, it’s okay to admit it’s hard. It doesn’t scare them—it reassures them. Because it legitimizes their own feelings.
2. Pause. Breathe. Respond Differently
The pause before reacting—the ability to observe, even for a split second, the space between what we feel and how we respond—creates an internal space where we can regain control and not act immediately from anger, stress, or fear. A moment of stopping, breathing, and choosing a response that aligns with our values, not just our emotion.
3. Create Emotional Anchors
A morning hug, a short evening chat, a familiar bedtime routine, a beloved song. These small repeated acts aren’t luxuries—they’re protective mechanisms. They remind us who we are amidst the chaos.
4. Allow Distance and Safe Space Within the Family
If a partner pulls away, if a child retreats—it’s not necessarily alienation. Sometimes it’s the only way the psyche knows how to protect itself. Gentleness is needed—staying close without pressuring. Offering a hug, presence, and a kind word. No judgment.
5. Talk About Substance Use—Not in Whispers
One of the most painful phenomena during emergencies is the increase in use of addictive substances such as alcohol, cannabis, or prescription medications. When this happens within the family—it affects everyone. The parent who drinks every evening, the teen who smokes to “calm down,” the partner who distances because coping is too hard. At this stage, silence doesn’t protect—it only deepens loneliness. It’s important to say: “I see. I’m worried. I’m here for you.” And if needed—to seek professional help together.
6. Look for Meaning—Even in Hardship
Families who cope well are not free of difficulties—they simply succeed in connecting them to values: Mutual responsibility, compassion, togetherness. Reminding ourselves and our children: “We take care of each other. That’s what matters right now.”
Ultimately, we can’t stop the missiles, nor the decisions made by leadership. But within the four walls of our home—we can choose, every day. With one more moment of listening. One more hug. One more sincere “How are you?”
In this war—our close relationships are our true defense system, and if we protect them—they will protect us.
Roni Rokach, couples and family therapist, Head of the Clinical Division, ICA – the Israeli Center for Addictions and Mental Health