The recent case of Vital Mishayev, a former police officer living with post-traumatic stress who took his own life, adds to a heartbreaking statistic released by the IDF: 279 soldiers have attempted suicide over the past eighteen months, a troubling 56% increase.
Yet, there is another circle no one counts, no one measures: the spouses, the children, the parents who remain at home. They were not on the battlefield, but they live with its consequences every single day.
Secondary trauma
Secondary traumatic stress is a well-recognized clinical phenomenon that requires professional care. When a soldier returns home with post-traumatic stress, their family is exposed to their emotional aftermath: anxiety, outbursts, emotional withdrawal.
Over time, they too begin to develop similar symptoms: sleep disturbances, anxiety attacks, difficulty concentrating, and increased irritability.
The soldier was there, on the battlefield – they experienced the trauma firsthand. Still, at least they receive recognition: people ask how they’re doing, thank them, and refer them to treatment.
Their family, on the other hand, remains invisible. No one asks how they are; no one offers support. And they themselves often think: “Who am I to ask for support when he’s been through so much worse?”
That’s exactly the problem. Trauma doesn’t happen in isolation – it sends ripples through the entire household. When one person changes, everyone around them changes too.
The silent victims
Children are often the silent victims. They sense that a parent is no longer the same – quick to anger, emotionally distant, or withdrawn, and they don’t know how to respond.
Clinicians frequently observe children experiencing recurring stomachaches, difficulty concentrating in school, and persistent nightmares. Many feel embarrassed to invite friends home. They become “little adults” trying to care for the suffering parent, hyper-aware of every change in mood, even when they lack the words to describe it.
For spouses, it often begins with hope: “He’s finally coming home.”
Then comes the realization that something has changed. Next comes the sense of duty: “I have to be strong for him.”
The partner begins to walk on eggshells, monitor moods, and neglect their own needs.
The children grow quiet, or, conversely, begin to act out.
Eventually comes the most dangerous stage: burnout – emotional exhaustion, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, difficulty eating or sleeping, and feelings of helplessness.
Life shrinks. Friends disappear. Energy runs out.
Before it’s too late
The Israel-Hamas War compels us to extend support not only to the thousands of soldiers who served long months in reserve duty, but also to the growing second circle around them.
We are only beginning to see the war’s long-term impact.
This is a wake-up call to the government and to the Health and Finance ministries; providing help to the soldier without helping their family is only half the treatment.
The state must immediately allocate resources to:
- Expand family therapy and support programs
- Establish dedicated hotlines for the families of combatants
- Train professionals specializing in post-traumatic family care
- Launch public-awareness initiatives addressing secondary trauma.
Two hundred and seventy-nine soldiers are no longer with us. But behind every number stands a family left alone in the dark – struggling, slowly falling apart.
It’s time to recognize the second circle of suffering.
It’s time to act – before it’s too late.
The writer is the clinical director of Benafshenu: Association for Mental and Social Support, founded by Amcha.