Chances are, you don’t know. Probably, you cannot say with certainty who is – and has been – your own biggest influencer throughout the crucial formative years of your life.
What you can be certain of is that your school-age child has already assembled a team of his or her influencers while getting ready for the new school year.
Gone are the days of parents bringing their child to school, meeting their new teacher, and being able to think, “So this is who will be shaping and impacting my child for the next 10 months.” Those days are long gone – and for so many reasons.
After all, how much of your child’s class time will be spent on a device, “interacting” through the lens of social media with persons whose very identity, let alone character and expertise, is largely unknown?
Making a child who they are
Yes, you chose a school for your child to attend, and the school has chosen a teacher(s) to lead the classroom – yet who is really engaging your child’s attention and imagination throughout the school day?
Enrolling your child is a significant choice that you have already made. But now begins the challenge of being a significant influence on your child, not just their butler and chauffeur.
As responsible, engaged parents, traditional back-to-school routines involve choosing a lunch box theme and a backpack, guiding your child’s choices of school clothes, and even going online to check the curriculum the school is promising to teach.
The real challenge, however, remains: how to be a meaningful voice among the conversations going on inside your child’s head, and how to become a primary member of your child’s significant influencers during the coming school year.
Actively being a meaningful and significant influencer in our children’s lives is challenging for all parents; finding effective entry points into those inner voices that speak to our children is both difficult and crucial.
With or without guidance, the child’s process of forming values and the daily experiments of trying out variations of their personality are taking place. What are the critical keys to opening up the channels of connection between parent and child so that parenting can happen on this level of depth?
We have learned that nagging and criticizing do not get parents a seat at the formative table of influencers surrounding their child. Opening conversations with “what bothers me about you…” effectively shuts down thinking and quashes impact.
Important research, included in 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People by David Yeager, proves that assuming the child is incompetent quickly short-circuits taking your words seriously.
I learned this after countless parents asked me why their children accept criticism at school calmly, while at home, negative comments elicit great resistance.
The important difference is that teachers explain that any criticism is meant to show a pathway forward to better understanding and is never meant to belittle or shame. It is not simply tone of voice but includes words of explanation and validation.
When communication acknowledges the child respectfully as a growing, competent learner, your words resonate in a different brain sphere. Often, holding on to this approach will require parental grit and vision. This is the price of admission to enter your child’s sphere of influence.
Throughout the 2025-26 school year, we will find parenting far more impactful and satisfying if we can muster this consistent courage, using affirmative words and verbalizing our belief that each of our children is on their way to greatness.
This is what it means to be an “activist” parent. This is what will open the door for you to become a meaningful influencer and a significant presence for your child.
The new school year is starting. If not now, when? If not you, who?
The writer, a rabbi, is a former head of school in San Diego and an active educational consultant.