With some frequency, we read and hear that individuals, groups, schools, even nations, have “lost their way and need to find their moral compass.” It’s hard to disagree with this. This inevitably leads to the question of what that moral compass should be.
In 2012, then-chief rabbi of the British Empire Lord Jonathan Sacks wrote a collection he called “Letters to the Next Generation.” It consisted of 10 letters that parents might write to their children on the occasion of those children having their own children. What was the point of these letters? Among other things, it was to provide a moral compass to help the adult children navigate the many challenges they would face – both expected and unexpected.
From this collection, as well as from the greater body of work by Rabbi Sacks and others concerned with character, it’s possible to construct a set of touchpoints for a moral compass. This is not complete, but sometimes an overly prescriptive moral compass can be discouraging and ignored.
25 touchpoints
- Never try to be clever. Always try to be wise.
- Respect others, even if they disrespect you.
- Never seek publicity for what you do. If you deserve it, you will receive it. If you don’t, you will be attacked. In any case, goodness never needs to draw attention to itself.
- The greatest gift is the opportunity to give. Greater by far than the love we receive is the love we give. Similarly, be generous with your empathy and compassion. These are enduring gifts we can give to others.
- Be very slow to judge others, as you would want them to be slow in judging you.
- Use your time well. Life is short, too short to devote too much time to entertainment and unnecessary distraction on the Internet; too short to waste on idle gossip, envying others for what they have, or anger and indignation.
- You will find much in life to distress you. Your problem is how to respond. Don’t overreact; don’t respond in panic or despair. Don’t become consumed with anger or, if you do, pause for as long as it takes for the anger to dissipate, and then consider the next best course of action.
- If you tried and failed, don’t despair. No one worth admiring ever succeeded without many failures along the way. If you lack the courage to fail, you lack the courage to succeed. Remember, fear and courage guard the doors of possibility.
- The work of a team, a partnership, a collaboration with others who have different gifts or different ways of looking at things is always greater than any one individual can achieve alone.
- Create moments of silence for yourself where you can hear your true self speaking to you.
- Avoid blame. Instead, ask: “How can I help to put it right?”
- Always remember that you create the atmosphere that surrounds you. If you want others to smile, you must smile. If you want others to give, you must give. If you want others to respect you, you must show your respect for them. How the world treats us is a mirror of how we treat the world.
- Be patient. Sometimes the world is slower than you are.
- Never worry when people say you are being too idealistic. It is only idealistic people who change the world, and do you really want, in the course of your life, to leave the world unchanged?
- Be honest and always do what you say you are going to do. There really is no other way to live.
- Do not compromise on your principles because of others. Peer pressure is following other people’s goals for you, not your own goals.
- Humility is the ability to see good in others without worrying about yourself. Or, as C. S. Lewis said, being humble is not thinking less about yourself; it’s thinking about yourself less.
- Giving thanks focuses our attention on what is good in our lives and helps us keep a sense of proportion about the rest. Do it daily.
- When you see others doing something right, say so explicitly. Being recognized, thanked, and congratulated by someone else is one of the most empowering things that can happen to us. Don’t wait for someone to do it to you – do it for others.
- Ask yourself deep questions. Why am I here? What do I hope to achieve? How best can I use my gifts? What would I want to be said about me (or my family, team, group, class, school, community) when I am no longer here? We are grounded by periodic reflection on these questions.
- Know your most cherished values and be sure you live them. None of us are successful at doing so all the time; by reflecting on how well we are doing, we can help keep ourselves oriented toward our true north.
- Forgiving someone is good for them and even better for you. The bad has happened. It won’t be made better by your dwelling on it. Let it go. Move on.
- Always strive to learn something more, to grow in some way. It does not have to be anything large or momentous. We were given great capacities to grow, and we feel better and act better toward others when we are engaged in improvement.
- Listen more often, more carefully, and without distraction. Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give to others. It means that we are open to them, that we take them seriously, that they matter to us, and that we accept graciously the gift of their words.
- When bad things happen to you, use them to sensitize yourself to the pain of others. Those who survive tragedy and become stronger as a result ask themselves the question ‘What does this allow me to do that I would not have done before?” We are defined not by the catastrophes we endure; we are defined by what we can control – our response to them, to becoming an agent of hope despite misery.
Salient themes within the touchpoints
A close look at these touchpoints reveals several themes. Foremost is how we treat others – with graciousness, generosity, and dignity. Also powerful is how we deal with adversity – with resilience, hopefulness, creativity, and problem solving. Another theme is introspection. There is value in taking time to revisit our values and the extent to which we are living by them. Taking an occasional step back to refresh, renew, reconsider, re-energize, and recommit is a powerful way to move forward.
You may not agree with all of these touchpoints. Feel free to substitute your own. And like a compass, the salience of these points will depend on our particular situation and orientation. Sometimes we are not able to orient ourselves toward our moral compass as we might want to. It’s an aspiration worth pursuing. Whether in the context of a family, school, team, or community, these touchpoints will help orient us toward our true north, toward the way we most want to be.■
Maurice J. Elias is a professor of psychology at Rutgers University and co-author of the books The Joys and Oys of Parenting and Nurturing Students’ Character. He can be reached at Maurice.elias@rutgers.edu.