'Are We There Yet?' Building and sustaining healthy marriages - review

Unlike much contemporary marriage counseling, Levitan’s approach is notably proactive. Rather than dealing with problems as they arise, she favors anticipating potential difficulties and tackling them honestly in advance. So she encourages couples to examine their fundamental beliefs, life goals, and expectations. She stresses that rather than relying on common interests or emotional intensity, the essential building blocks for a lasting relationship are shared values and honest self-reflection.

So she urges couples to address potentially “touchy” topics such as religious beliefs, family expectations, and long-term goals early in the relationship rather than avoiding them for fear of conflict.

Some marriage counselors prioritize compromise or behavioral change over individual authenticity. Levitan rejects this approach, highlighting the importance of mutual respect, clear boundaries, and acceptance of each partner’s individuality. Her goal is to help couples build a relationship where both individuals feel safe to be themselves, fostering an environment of trust and acceptance.

In Chapter 13, Levitan records the 30-year marriage journey that one particular Israeli couple, whom she calls Paula and Danny, went through. The first stage she calls “fusion” – the blissful beginning of a marriage founded on love. The second she designates “the wake-up” – a period when they discovered that their baby daughter was afflicted with cerebral palsy. “It brought our marriage to the brink of breaking up,” said Danny, “because we had a problem, and we didn’t face it. I left Paula struggling alone with the painful reality.” Finally, Danny decided to quit his job and move the family from Tel Aviv to remote Mitzpe Ramon, in the middle of the Negev. This move, he confides, “saved our life as a couple and as a family.”

Levitan calls the next stage “differentiation”.

“In the desert,” says Danny, “we got this silence. We talked and listened, talked and listened.” Paula added: “We worked hard to truly understand each other.”

After a while, they reached a stage that Levitan designates as “acceptance and curiosity.” The couple learned to support each other as they coped with the problems of bringing up a child with disabilities. After some years, they discovered that their daughter could receive specialized treatment in Munich, Danny’s home town. So they moved to Germany. But when their daughter was old enough to start school, they were disappointed with what facilities were available. So they enrolled her in a school in the United States that drew out her potential, and she ultimately made it to university.

Levitan quotes Paula: “Day by day, we had to fight for our daughter. Me by myself alone, I couldn’t have done it, but with Danny it was possible. And you see, this [pointing to her daughter’s graduation picture] is the result of our happy marriage.” So Levitan titles stage five “an enduring love.”

Levitan views marriage not as a destination but as a journey, an evolving, dynamic process. Her book is indeed a road map. By analyzing in depth 18 real-life stories – examples of real couples who have created and sustained successful marriages – Levitan offers the lessons of how to prevent taking wrong turns, or if a couple does so, how to self-correct. Drawing on decades of experience in dealing with these matters, she has produced a practical guide for navigating the complex but rewarding odyssey of marriage.