There are likely as many reasons to make aliyah as there are olim, whether fleeing the Russia-Ukraine war, escaping antisemitism, or driven by pure Zionist conviction. But some immigrants take the ultimate leap of faith, rebuilding their lives in Israel based on nothing more than a feeling. On the occasion of Tu B’Av, when such a feeling is celebrated, the Magazine spoke with an olah who chose a life in the Middle East for her now-husband.
Love has shaped much of Shana’s life. It was love that brought her from Oakland, California, to northern Israel, guided her through 15 years of marriage and the raising of three children, and now sits at the center of her career as a matchmaker.
While Israel is undoubtedly the best place to meet Israelis, it was while working as a social worker in California that she met Rotem in 2008, but she wasn’t looking to make aliyah.
After visiting a family she was supporting, Shana found herself locked out of her car and in need of a locksmith. This was before the days of smartphones, so she called directory assistance and asked for anyone nearby.
As she recounted, whether by luck or divine design, it was Rotem who showed up. If a kind, Jewish man coming to the rescue wasn’t sign enough, the family’s matriarch, knowing Shana was Jewish and learning that Rotem was Israeli, insisted the two go on a date.
The two happily dated for six months until something happened that shook the stable life that Shana had built for herself, having moved from Detroit for a career in sunny California. An economic recession and severe budget cuts to the public sector led to Shana’s being one of hundreds of social workers to be laid off.
The economic turmoil in the US caused stress for many, though for Shana and Rotem it provided an opportunity. Unattached to work, Shana was able to join Rotem on a trip to his home in the Galilee, where she met his family and where the couple made a decision that would drive the course of their relationship.
Decision to make the move
During the visit to Israel, Rotem told Shana that he wanted to return home and asked if she would consider moving with him. It was then that Shana proposed a deal: If Rotem gave up smoking, then she would move to Israel and start a new life with him. Rotem hasn’t picked up a cigarette in 15 years.
On the cusp of turning 30 and being let go from work, Shana said the decision to move was made easier knowing that she was entering a new stage of life that would have required change, anyway. She had already moved states, so starting fresh wasn’t an intimidating task for her.
“All those things kind of lined up with the timing and the person presented in front of me. It just made sense,” she said. “It was a short timeline, but things kind of lined up… If I were to have felt this isn’t right [or] this isn’t for me, or I’m not feeling supported, I wouldn’t have gone through with any of that.”
Asked what someone should keep in mind if they are considering making such a big decision for love, the experienced matchmaker responded simply, “Two people have to negotiate something of equal value to themselves in order to strengthen a union.”
“In my situation, my deal breaker was his smoking; and for him, his deal breaker was that he wanted to live in Israel. We both were able to cooperate with each other in order to make this work out,” she explained. “So yes, I do recommend people make aliyah for love. However, it should be because it’s better for the union, not because one person is just doing something for someone else.”
Asked how to judge if a relationship is worth moving for, Shana said it was Rotem’s consistency throughout the relationship that let her know she could trust him and the relationship.
“How you feel around somebody should tell you a lot. Do you feel valued, heard, supported?” she advised, calling on her matchmaking wisdom.
Despite now finding people their perfect pairings, she joked that she was not sure she would put herself and Rotem together if she were just looking at their files, based on how different their worlds were.
“On paper, if I were our matchmaker, I don’t know that I would have matched us,” she said. “I mean, on paper, there are a lot of differences. He’s from rural, northern Israel, a Mizrahi environment. I have a master’s degree, and [I am from an] Ashkenazi-American-Jewish [background].
“So, sometimes people think those things don’t go together, but our core values were very congruent. We both wanted a Jewish home – whatever that looked like, we wanted a Jewish home – we wanted our kids to know both cultures. We wanted our kids to be close to their grandparents. That’s how I grew up, and that’s how he grew up. So [with] those values, I would say that the move was worth it if somebody makes you feel valued, loved, heard, understood, and they’re consistent.”
Beyond anything, Shana said, before people makes aliyah, they should do a pilot trip and make sure they are moving to somewhere they can feel at ease.
“There’s that saying that people don’t make aliyah to Israel, they make aliyah to a specific area, to a family, to a place,” she said. “Make sure that you feel comfortable with your partner, with their family, with their upbringing, with their surroundings. Just make sure you have similar values…
“There are people who come and make aliyah because they love the Land of Israel, so I guess there are different forms of love,” but if you are coming because you love a person, “make sure you like their family and you feel comfortable. Make sure you’re willing to adapt to what you need to adapt to in order to be functioning in that society, which is not going to change that much.”
Making the relationship work after aliyah
The pair were quickly engaged and then married. They made the move in 2010 to an area of northern Israel well outside the olim bubbles. While the Western Galilee is not known for a surplus of resources to help olim, Shana said, “it was probably easier” for her with an Israeli husband than “two Anglos making aliyah, which is a brave, amazing thing.”
Thrown into the deep end, it was Shana’s dedication to ulpan that helped her find her way, especially as this was now the only way she could communicate with her new Mizrahi in-laws.
Her advice for being thrown into a new family dynamic with a different culture, different customs, and different norms is to “go with the flow and be open-minded and learn and understand.”
She also recommends that someone considering the move for love should make sure they like their partner’s family “because family here is huge.”
“At first, it was a little challenging because I wasn’t really integrated 100% with how they do things,” Shana recounted. “It did take a little bit of time, but after a while I was integrated into the family.”
She also stressed it is important for olim to have their own group of friends, separate from their partner’s.
Shana and Rotem have spent the past 15 years together, surviving wars, cultural divides, and toddler tantrums. Shana’s Hebrew continues to improve, and Rotem has continued abstaining from smoking.
For those interested in Shana’s work, visit https://linktr.ee/ShanaTibi